Our Journey continued…
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
God promises not to harm us but during the weeks that become months and the months that become years on the path of infertility it feels like I’m being harmed. That is, until I open my eyes.
I am a person and like anyone else I have a plan. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…. Well the first two parts were easy compared to the last part. I’ve wanted to be a mom “since I was born” as my mom would often say. About a year before we got married I began seeking advise from my doctor about trying to get and regulate a monthly cycle. After about 3 months she sent me off to the next OB who specializes in fertility on an OB level. I was with him for 6 months before we had “the talk”. He said I needed to make an appointment with a fertility clinic in our area and get a plan in place. Our wedding was now here and we knew we weren’t going to stop ourselves from getting pregnant, if only my body would cooperate.
I long stopped counting the time that has passed since I first sat in my doctor’s office talking about this subject. I’ve long passed being embarrassed by infertility. I’ve long accepted that this is my journey and I best make the best of it!
I’ll never forget my first visit to the fertility clinic. Ryan and I had talked about him not taking a day off work for this appointment since he would need to be at the next appointment for sure. It was the worst decision we made! The appointment was HORRIBLE to say the least! The doctor was awful, the nurse was drunk or something, the receptionist looked like she hadn’t showered in days, and worst of all I was the only woman in the office full of men making a “donation”… Insert mortified! I left the office crying after my appointment. Totally lost on what to do. Ryan was horrified that he wasn’t there with me and more horrified that I didn’t walk out right away but actually went through the whole appointment. Needless to say it was just a mess.
I immediately called the fertility doctor that my OB recommended (it is about 2 hours from our house) and they said they’d get me in the next morning. Again my husband wouldn’t be able to go but this appointment turned out much better. I felt super comfortable with the new doctor and we made up our route of treatment. By this point we were more than ready to have a baby.
Three months later and still a big ol nothing. Every month was like a miniature death. A death of something we didn’t even have. We decided that this wasn’t going to ruin our new marriage and we were going to find the best in every day. So we did. On the bad days we laughed at what we could (like the ultrasound machine…) and on the good days we cherished each other more than ever.
There has to be good in everything and we were determined to find it. Looking back, this is when we really got closer than ever. I also know that my relationship with God matured in a whole different way during this time. When we first started down this road I was loosing my mom to cancer. I was angry at God, angry at myself, and just miserable. Then my mom passed away and I remember having a very open conversation with God (I decided long ago that since He already knows my heart, I might as well be open and honest with Him). I didn’t understand why my mom had to pass away and now I was embarking on the scariest journey ever… alone. I was quickly reminded to trust God because with God, I am never alone!
So I did that! The longer this journey goes on the more of those “bad days” there are. In fact, I’m surprised my phone has lasted since being thrown across the room multiple times. I swear there are “National Announce You’re Preggo” days on Facebook sometimes. One thing that I’ve never felt is upset about others pregnancies but lets face it… its hard to see 8 people announce they’re expecting in one day.
I’m truly so happy for all our friends and family that is expecting and would never with this journey on anyone but I’ll also say that there IS good that can come from a rough road. In the least, you break in your tires. What I mean is, Ryan and I have had to choose to journey this together. We’ve had to actively love each other as we experience this hardship together. We act and react differently to the same journey. Ryan’s learned a new level of patience and so have I. I strongly believe I am a better wife and will be a better mom when the time comes, because of this road we’re traveling. I know God has a reason and I can drive myself crazy trying to find that reason, or I can ride the waves of today.
I have one more post on this fertility journey that I’ll save for tomorrow. After some encouraging emails and comments from my first post on this, I’ll update this little blog as we go along, hopefully in the least, showing others they aren’t alone.
I’ll finish with this (which will be exactly where my next post will start…)
Be still, and know that I am God…